I am no survivor

I was born in 1999. As all of you know, I was about to be aborted as I was a fetus borne out of a mistake. My grandfather, who later on became my best friend, wanted to have me terminated. My mom didn't, so I am here.

Growing up, my family never told me I was a mistake. I never felt like no one wanted me around. I was surrounded by the most loving people I could have, at least at the time.

It was actually the world who told me it didn't want me around. I got along well with my classmates from grade school. But I was bullied through high school, for all sorts of things: that my hair was frizzy, or that my teeth were yellow and crooked, or that I smell bad, or that I act too feminine, or that I was gay (to the point I actually wondered if I was). Most painful of them is when adults think I am academically gifted, that I was smart enough for achievements, it's just that I didn't work hard enough.

My mom died when I was 11 years old, of Leukemia. I was left with the responsibility to help feed and support my family financially. At age 11. I had to do that. I had to grow up really fast. So I entered a scholarship program at school, the ones where they pay you to study. And that is much against my will as it is for my need for my family to survive. At the time, I hated scholarship because I thought they expected too much, and school's crap anyway especially when the system is broken. That's the reason why even when I got good grades and everyone thought I could be on the honors list, I wasn't and I didn't even try. Everyone's expectations made me feel like unless I match them, I was worthless. I wanted to believe that even without these achievements, I deserve to be here, that I must have a worth.

As a student, I would tell my story to everyone, hoping one of them would take pity on me and help, most favorably financially. As Winston Churchill said, "never let a good crisis go to waste." To some, having their mom die is the end of the world. To me, it was the perfect opportunity to use other people's emotions in my favor. I used it to have people give me some old clothes they don't wear anymore, get food for free, borrow a computer to finish projects, pay for the debts incurred because of the irresponsibility my supposed stepfather had, borrow money from the closest friends I have even when I can't promise to ever pay them back, and some other things that propelled me forward. It never sat right with me, but this was my opportunity to survive, my ticket out of this hellhole that I was in. I couldn't afford pride if I am starving to death.

But that was the past, and it has been long behind me. Some people call me a survivor, others a fighter. Many others tell me I didn't deserve whatever it is that happened to me. I don't care what they think of me, the only version of me that's important is the one I believe is me. And I may be a survivor, a fighter, I may not have deserved those things. But it doesn't matter because these things happen to other people too. And I am no survivor. I am just a person who has gone through shit and went along with it.